Cry, Even Better if you Beg

How was it that this man could always invoke so many feelings inside her? 

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How was it, that his mere presence was enough for her walls to crumble, and let loose those feelings she so desperately tried to keep out of her heart?

Suddenly, Leyla could feel that overwhelming urge to cry.
She didn’t want to have to speak first, to break this silence between them.
Just thinking at how scared she’d acted right in front of him made her heart ache in humiliation. 

And yet Matthias could see straight through her, pry open her heart and see what she was trying to hide. 

His eyes landed on the fallen fork, noticing the icing smeared on its surface, before his eyes darted up to the half eaten cake on the table.
He barked out a laugh. 

He had been wondering why she had a fork in hand when he woke up.
She must have finally decided to eat the cake he had ordered to be prepared for her.
And just like that, all his suspicions on her disappeared, and his heart felt infinitely better having his worries laid aside. 

These past few days without her was maddening.
He couldn’t stop thinking about her, how she was, what she was doing.
Day in and day out, his thoughts were filled with her.
That’s why he pushed through the meetings, took little rest, just to free up some time to be with her. 

He would do anything, as well as buy things she liked, just to keep her beside him.
And seeing her eat something he specifically had for her filled him with an unfamiliar satisfaction.
So instead of questioning her why she hadn’t woken him up when he told her to, he pulled her to him in a kiss.

He could still taste the cake in her mouth, and though he generally disliked sweets, it tasted like heaven.

He hadn’t planned so far ahead what he wanted to do once she arrived.
He just wanted to be with her.
He wanted to do mundane things with her for a change, like go out for walks.
Or maybe they could even dine together in a beautiful restaurant, and then drink tea to soothe their stomachs.

He found it ridiculous to have to go through the trouble of bringing her here, when he doesn’t even have a proper plan for her.
But he opted out of questioning her thoughts about that, for now, he wants to focus on her…

To drown in the feel and taste of her against his tongue.

The kiss between the two deepened as Matthias’ arms pulled her further up, settling her more comfortably against him. 

As his arms wrapped around her body tight, he could feel something settling deep inside him.
Like all his time feeling nothing as she was apart from him finally made sense.
He wanted nothing more than just to stay like this, with just her. 

Because Leyla wasn’t just anyone for him, and she was all he could ever want.

She was his.
His little bird. 

Finally, he pulled away from her, Leyla gasping as he released her lips.
Their chests heaved in tandem as they grappled for air.
He could see the flush on her cheeks deepening, making her all the more adorable in his eyes…

He couldn’t help but laugh in unbridled joy at the sight of her.

‘Why is he laughing?’ Leyla couldn’t help but wonder in bewilderment.
She was currently anxious and nervous about what he was doing, but she kept her eyes shut, afraid of what she’d see.
All she wanted was for everything to be over quickly.

But she was also intrigued. 

He wasn’t acting like his usual self.
Normally he would have stripped her off their clothes, and they would do their dance beneath the sheets, but he wasn’t doing that now.
Instead, he just kept planting soft kisses all over her face.
He would leave sporadic pecks on her cheeks, the tip of her nose, but nothing more.

His hands never wandered away from her waist.

He turned her head to the side slightly, leaving a muted kiss on the back of her ear, making her look at him in fright as the contact sent tingling shivers through her body.
Their ragged breathing matched each other, and he was still looking at her in that intense gaze of his. 

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“Don’t do that.” she whispered pleadingly, her palms splayed on his chest as she tried to push him away.
“Stop being weird and just do what you always do.” she demanded him, looking up at him with complete confusion and terror. 

He was doing things to her, things she couldn’t understand.
And it frightened her more than usual. 

Matthias’ movements stilled, before he regarded her carefully.
He stared into her eyes, and he could see she was begging him to go back to how things were between them.
After a tense moment of silence between them, Matthias gave her a nip in the ears, making her cry out in painful pleasure…

Soon the world faded around them, as nothing but their ragged breaths surrounding them in the darkness.

 

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

 

Claudine lied in the guest bedroom, eyes staring resolutely on the ceiling right above her head as she rested on the bed.
Memories from when she had been thirteen years old, barely into her teens, came flooding vividly in her mind. 

It had been summer when it had been decided she would be the next Duchess of Arvis, Duchess Herhardt. 

It wasn’t their first time visiting the mansion in Arvis.
It wasn’t the first time she was meeting with the Herhardts either, but her mother made quite a fuss on her looks, making sure she would be absolutely perfect when she would arrive.

“You’re not a child anymore Claudine,” Her mother admonished her as she harshly brushed the strands off of Claudine’s face back then, “From now on, you must be the perfect lady, do you understand?” she asked, after another harsh tug on her scalp, brushing away stubborn tangles. 

They had gotten ready with the help of their aides, and rode the carriage without further delay.
Her mother’s grip on her tiny shoulders had been tight.
Claudine could’ve sworn her nails would have dug deeply into her skin if only her mother wasn’t so concerned how messy she would be if she bled.

As they grew closer to Arvis, the tighter her mother held onto her.
Claudine had looked up at her mother in worry, and saw her mother’s eyes glinted with unshed tears. 

A few days prior to their visit, her mother gave her a crash course on what it really meant to become society’s lady.

Claudine knew she was young, too young to fully understand how heavy the responsibility would weigh on her shoulders, but she was no idiot.
She could infer it from the way her mother talked, how harshly she’d scold her from time to time, instilling painful yet memorable lessons as she lived her day to day.

It was her quick wit that made her understand that a match with Matthias was inevitable between them. 

“Does that mean that Matthias and I will be wed soon?” she asked her mother after one of her lessons.
It was her first week in Arvis, and out of the blue, she couldn’t help but question her mother about it while they were in a communal space.

Countess Brandt grew embarrassed by her daughter’s brazen inquiry and gracefully grabbed Claudine tightly by her arms, discretely dragging her to their rooms.
Once the door shut behind her mother, she shook Claudine by the shoulders, forcing the little girl to look up at her.

“It is what we have agreed upon, but you should also make sure you accept this engagement, do you understand me Claudine?” her mother quietly hissed at her, “Once you do this, you will show all those other girls you’re the best candidate for the job! Nothing less than perfect, and they won’t think twice about choosing you to be the Duchess of Arvis!”

Claudine remembered pouting at her mother’s implication.

“But I’m already the smartest girl amongst my friends, mother.” She reasoned out, “Even my teachers keep telling me that.
I’m so observant I never miss anything!” She proclaimed rather proudly back in the day, “I even mastered all the dances they taught and all the etiquette they made us remember.”

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“Yes, yes, I get that, but that’s not what’s important here Claudine!” her mother interrupted, quickly making the proud smile on little Claudine’s face fall, “What you must focus on from now on, aside from being the best, is to get along with Matthias.
You hear me, child? That’s the most important thing here.”

Little Claudine felt self-conscious.
Had she been prioritizing wrong this whole time? If Claudine could go back, she would have quickly shut those self doubts quickly.
It wasn’t that she was doing the wrong thing.
She was just born a woman. 

And so Claudine resolved to build a better relationship with Matthias, to allow their marriage to pass by smoothly when the time came.
But unlike the other boys she had managed to tame, Matthias was different.

Firstly, he was already the Duke, and at such a young age.
Every girl that wasn’t her coveted him, and so badly they did.
But it wasn’t like she hated Matthias.
She didn’t.

In fact, her first impression of him was that he was handsome and a wonderful boy.
She likened him as the Herhardt’s crown jewel, more valuable than any works of art the Herhardt house possessed.

But she found it difficult to imagine being happy around him.

Matthias was on the cusp of adulthood back then, never mind they were close in age.
Still, whenever he’d look at her, she couldn’t help but feel inadequate in his presence.
And Matthias had always been different from the other boys.

He might have treated her respectfully, but she was always invisible in his eyes.
And she didn’t like that.

It didn’t help that her mother was expecting her to be the best Lady in all of Berg.
The responsibilities just grew on Claudine.
She no longer wanted to be the best, instead, she needed to be the best.

“Show everyone that only you, Count Brandt’s sole daughter, is the best! And make those people forget about your father’s sons!”

Her mother might be Count Brandt’s wife, but she wasn’t the only woman to give him a child.
In fact, they bore him sons, while his mother was shamed for bearing a daughter. 

“If I’m to become the Duchess of Arvis, does that mean I’ll be the most powerful woman in the Empire?” she thought curiously.

There was a proud glint in her mother’s eye at her question. 

“Without a doubt, my child.
You’ll be part of the Empire’s elite families.
No one will ever think nothing but the best of you!”

“And all this, this will be mine?” she asked meekly, and her mother nodded excitedly.

“Yes! Yes, all of Arvis will be yours!”

Present day Claudine got up from her bed, and she looked out the window in deep thought.
In front of her were rows and rows of freshly trimmed bushes, and perfectly preserved colorful flowers blooming as the vast estate stretched far and wide in front of her…

She had been in this very same position at thirteen.

“I like Arvis!” little Claudine beamed at her mother, “I’ll do it mother, don’t worry!” 

And so her mother praised her for being the best girl, and Claudine had learned to perfect her poses and responses for the crowd to see, and for people to judge.
And the days just keep closer until that dream would soon turn into a reality.

Her reality, no one else’s.

So how dare her fiance do this to her?!

Unable to sleep, Claudine grabbed her sleep robes, wrapped them around her small frame and began to pace around the bedroom. 

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After Mary had returned a second time today to invite the peasant girl over, she still returned to the mansion alone.
At this point, Claudine could safely say that Matthias had gone crazy about the girl!

His recent actions further proved her correct!

Just the thought of them together made her seethe.
He probably sent for her, Leyla, and brought her to where he was staying. 

She probably wouldn’t be very bothered if it had been anyone else, perhaps a lowly court lady or anyone with a more respectable birth, but to replace her, Claudine von Brandt, with an orphaned girl?!

‘How dare he humiliate me like this?!’ Claudine seethed in her mind.

But there was nothing she could do against him.
As long as he favored that girl as his mistress, she would have to endure it.
It was annoying, sure, but it wouldn’t be like she couldn’t tolerate it.
She doesn’t want to earn Matthias’ love.
She wanted his status.

So long as she secured her position as his wife, and the mother of his heir, she would let them tumble in their sheets no matter how long.
She knew Matthias felt the same way about her.
He could care less about what she does.

But the foreboding sense of danger refused to leave Claudine.
There was a threat to her, and she couldn’t stand by idly and watch it wreck her ambitions. 

Dawn broke through the skies, chasing the darkness as the sun slowly woke to a rise.
Another memory came to Claudine’s mind.

Matthias was looking a little suspicious at the last dinner party held in Arvis, the dinner they held to commemorate the Crown Prince’s visit with them.
He was acting rather differently, and when she looked at him…

He was staring at her like he was seeing her for the first time, making her uneasy.

He had never been affectionate with her, aside from when there were other people around.
But he also never looked at her like that.
And all of a sudden, she feared he would break off the engagement.

She feared he’d abandon her in exchange for a lowly peasant.
But that was also a baseless fear because Matthias was the Duke of Arvis first and foremost.
It would be a grave mistake of his to do that just to take his mistress as a wife. 

But that was the old Matthias.
This Matthias, this was someone she never knew. 

She apologized mentally to Riette, knowing she couldn’t just stand aside anymore.
She had a feeling Matthias was close to figuring out his feelings.
She must make a move now to end them before he ever reached that point.

Things were different from when she’d been thirteen, but at the same time, her circumstances never changed.
Just now, her fears didn’t stem from being imperfect as a Duchess.
It was because she wasn’t born as Leyla, and yet she must marry Matthias.

It was the only reward she sought in life.
It was the only way to justify all the sacrifices she had to make all those years ago.
The turmoil slowly disappeared the longer she stared at the frozen plains in front of her, the moonlight illuminating her soft, yet harsh features. 

She can’t do anything about Matthias, but perhaps she could do something about Leyla.
Leyla must disappear for her to secure her goal.
But how could she push Leyla to the breaking point? Enough that it would want to make her leave the Duke despite his hold on her?

A grin made its way on her smile as a single person came to mind.

“Kyle Etman.” she hummed to herself in a whisper, cold puff of air escaping her, fogging up the glass.

 

*.·:·.✧.·:·.*

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Leyla drunkenly blinked awake, feeling warm all over, before her eyes landed on the sleeping man beside her.
She was perfectly content right now, and she wanted to bask longer in the mood around them.
She breathed in and out softly, rolling over to face him properly.

She could see the way his lips were kiss bitten, all red and swollen against his pale complexion.
His sharp features are more prominent, even in the dim lighting around them as the dawning light filtered through the glass. 

She couldn’t deny how beautiful he was.
But something about him was familiar.

‘Ah,’ she thought with a wide smile as his name clicked in her head, ‘It’s the duke!’ she thought ecstatically. 

He’d gone with her to school! She could remember him vividly! She also remembered how intimidated she was of him, but she was also in awe of him.
Especially when she’d met him by the forest.

But something was strange right now though.
Leyla frowned as she looked at him with a pout.
He looked younger in her memories, was he stressed? Or maybe he looked older when asleep?

She hummed, pulling the blanket over her head down as her head peaked out from under the covers.
She gingerly reached out a hand, and cupped his face.
She giggled when she managed to do it successfully, squishing his cheeks before frowning.

He felt warm to the touch.
But then again, should she be feeling him? Wasn’t this a dream? She usually never felt them in dreams.

She blinked back, her vision slowly becoming clearer by the second.
Her eyes zeroed in on her surroundings, belatedly noticing how different the walls were.
She groggily looked around in confusion, before realizing she wasn’t even in her own room!

And that was enough for Leyla to sober up, and immediately withdrew her touch on the Duke as though his skin burnt her! She tried to put a distance between them, but Matthias’ arms tightened around her. 

She was lying on her stomach, head pillowed on his arm.
He threw his legs over her, entwining them together, making it more difficult and uncomfortable for her to move.
She tried wriggling away, but soon gave up, when his grip remained tight around her waist.

One by one, last night’s events flooded her brain, painting one clear picture in Leyla’s mind.
She frantically tried to shake the memories away, and back into their forgotten places as she was stuck looking at the Duke.

It was strange how she fell asleep so easily beside him.
All she did was try to get away from him desperately, escaping from his private touches when she could, and yet he’d come back at her with an equal force, pulling her closer and closer with each step she took farther from him.

He was such a crazy person in Leyla’s eyes.

And now, instead of being his usual, greedy self, he took the time to ask her about things she liked.
Almost as though he valued her opinion.
And when he took her last night, he took her gently, coaxing her softly to open up for him.

She must have fallen asleep at some point, because she didn’t remember pushing him away from her.
She didn’t even remember how last night ended.
All she did remember was the sounds they made as he called out for her…

“Lewellin…” he cried out in passion from time to time, the sounds of their flesh slapping against each other accompanying it, before her memories faded black.

She didn’t want them to resume that activity so soon after she woke up, and decided to lie still in his arms instead.
She couldn’t bring herself back to sleep, and thus was left no choice but to stare at him until he woke up. 

Looking back, nothing much changed in his appearance, but his features grew sharper the older he got.
The times had also made him rougher.
As dawn crept in their window the more the sun rose in the sky, Leyla could only imagine that day she first arrived in Arvis.

It had been so long ago, yet the memories remained as though it was like yesterday.

She’d come to Arvis, riding a small mail wagon.
She was so little back then too, all thin and gangly, with her shoulder blades jutting out of her skin.
When she had met Matthias once more later in the years, she remembered releasing a shuddered breath at the sight of him.

Because his eyes resembled the deep blue colors of the night sky.