Life, Once Again!

urious.
We aren’t that far apart in age, but the difference in experience is too clear.
Even if I resolve to do better, I sometimes feel uneasy when looking at him because the gap between us is too big.”

Unease.
Gaeul deeply sympathized with this word.
It was the word that summed up the reason she couldn’t meet Maru.

“Me too.
I always feel that Maru is amazing when I keep watching him.”

The lights changed once again.
Gaeul grabbed Yuna’s hand and crossed the road.

“Two years ago, Maru and I studied under teacher Ganghwan.
You know who teacher Yang Ganghwan is, right? You shot the drama with him this time.”

“Senior Ganghwan? Yes, I do.”

“He’s good, isn’t he?”

“Don’t even start.
Maru-seonbae is good, but I can only say that senior Ganghwan is on a completely different level.
I can only exclaim when I watch him.
He always says that he’s embarrassed because he’s not good at acting in front of a camera, but if that’s how it is, I might as well be disqualified.”

“Right.
His acts are really amazing.
It’s especially the case when you see his vivid acts on stage.
We- that is, Maru and I- studied under such a teacher.
There were many people.
People who were considered good at acting from various schools were in that place.
Even there, Maru stood out above others.
He was the only one who got extra teachings from the teacher after all.
At first, everyone misunderstood.
They thought that the teacher was biased towards him.
But after time passed, everyone knew.
It wasn’t that the teacher was biased, it was that the level of acting that Maru was on was a different level from us.”

Gaeul scraped the snow on the bonnet of a car and squashed it into a ball.
Then, she pretended to throw it at Yuna and hit the tree next to her.
Yuna flinched and glanced at her before making a snowball herself.

“Are you going to throw that?”

“N-no.”

Yuna became startled and dusted her hands.
Gaeul thought this for a long time: Yuna was a really good girl.
She was honest with her emotions and had the courage to speak in uncomfortable situations.

Gaeul suddenly wondered what kind of person she was to Maru.
Considering how he could act indifferent to a girl like that, did it mean that he liked Gaeul a lot? Or did he not place that much meaning in romantic relationships? She remembered how Maru habitually talked about marriage sometimes as a joke and sometimes seriously.
She wondered how serious he was when he said those words as well as how much of it was just a joke.

“Since you were honest with me, I’ll be honest with you as well.
I said that I was okay in front of you, but I actually felt jealous.
I was scared.
I even had the thought that I was being a nuisance to you two.”

“No, absolutely not.
Maru-seonbae thinks about you a lot to the point that he asks me how you’re doing.”

“Really?”

Gaeul sighed.
Maru had faith in her.
He was waiting.
Even though she was wavering, he kept the promise they made.

“Now that I heard that from you, I think I really have the conviction now.”

“Then are you going to meet again?”

“No, I’m not going to see him after all.
As selfish as I might sound, I think that might be better for me.”

“Why? Why do you have to do that?”

“Because I’m the bad one.
Because I’m insufficient.
Because I lack self-confidence.
If I meet him now, I will definitely find it enjoyable, and I will also be happy.
But I have the dream to stand on the same stage as Maru one day.
Honestly speaking, I don’t think I’m good enough as I am now.
Like what you said, Maru keeps making progress.
I want to lash out at myself.
I was always consoled by Maru until now, so I think I got complacent and got used to that kind of lifestyle.
I want to stand in front of Maru more boldly.
I want to embrace him, who actually has more tears than you think, but I don’t think I can do that as I am now.”

Gaeul heaved out a deep breath.
Yuna looked at her, at a loss on what to do.

“If you still like Maru, you can flirt with him.”

“What?”

“That’s what Maru told me before.
He told me it was fine to date other people.
He said that he wasn’t worried because he’s the most charming person and has the confidence to make me fall for him again.
I’m going to do the same thing.
If I have that kind of confidence, I don’t think I need to be worried like this in the first place.”

Yuna looked dazed.
Gaeul laughed out loud when she saw her expression.

“Seonbae, you’re okay, right?”

“Do I look strange?”

“N-no, it’s not like that, but….”

“Anyway, sorry for making you suffer.
I’m also sorry for making you say the things that I had to say.
Also, thanks for bringing up the courage to speak about it to me.”

Gaeul grabbed Yuna’s hand again.

“It’s cold, let’s go.”

Yuna didn’t say anything for a while as though she felt complex.
Yuna only spoke again when they arrived at the bus stop,

“Seonbae, are you really not going to meet Maru-seonbae?”

“Yep.
Until I can accept myself.”

“I’ll be cheering for you.”

“No, don’t.
Rather than that, did you really give up on Maru?”

“Eh? Ah, yes.
Maru-seonbae said it clearly to me.”

“But that’s what Maru thinks.”

“Seonbae.”

Just then, the bus that Yuna was going to ride arrived.
Yuna undid the scarf and spoke,

“Honestly, I can’t understand a word you’re saying now.”

“I’m not surprised.
I don’t understand how I feel either.”

“Uhm, seonbae.
If you say things like that, I might end up liking him again.”

“You can.
Just bear in mind that it’s highly probable that I’ll snatch him back later.”

“Are you serious?”

“Let me just call it Han Maru’s dating method.
I’m not sure if it’s going to work or not though.”

The bus opened and Yuna got on.
Before the door closed, Yuna hurriedly asked.

“I can keep calling you in the future, right?”

“Anytime.
I’ll even pick up during the middle of the night.”

Yuna smiled at the last moment, though, she still looked puzzled.

Gaeul looked up at the sky.

The snow was falling again.

“For a while….”

The figure of Maru smiling briefly appeared in her head before disappearing.

Gaeul put on her scarf.

The wind was no longer chilly.

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