⚠️This chapter contains a scenario that may not be pleasant to read, I apologize if my description is not accurate or I have romanticized her thoughts too much.
”A sound of something breaking
I awake from sleep
A sound full of unfamiliarity
Try to cover my ears but can go to sleep ”
– Singularity – >BTS
She abruptly woke up, covered in sweat and breathing heavily, she clutched her sheets desperately needing to hold onto something to calm her down. It was another nightmare, a new one, a terrifying one. She had grown accustomed to being helpless in the recurring nightmare that she has had every other night since she was 9 years old, her new nightmare however seemed more fantasized and dramatic than the memory that looped around in her subconscious. She sat silently, staring blankly ahead, rocking back and forth while self-soothing herself. An unsettling feeling passed through her body as her mind continuously replayed the dream back to her almost mocking her, feeling suffocated by the unwelcome emotions she wraps her arms around herself in an attempt to make herself feel safe. ”It was just a dream, everything is okay ”, she repeated the words emotionlessly like a mantra, over and over until she felt herself become calmer.
”This is so pathetic ”, she mused bitterly. Sighing loudly, she reluctantly got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Mentally noting that it was time to book another appointment with Dr Choi. She hated this feeling; she didn want to talk about this. She wanted someone to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, she wanted to feel cared for and most of all she wanted to sleep peacefully. She knew she was asking for too much but she wanted the universe to grant her wish just this once, she held on to the selfish hope that her future had the things she longed for so desperately that she let out a bitter scoff. She had always been alone, not physically though, in fact she had people around her constantly who showed her massive amounts of love and affection. She was always one to prefer her own company, never opening up to anyone other than Dr Choi. She never considered herself lonely or had any feelings of loneliness until now.
”Sun-Hee? ”, she stared quizzically at her doctor who had been trying to get her attention for the past 5 minutes. ”Im sorry doctor Choi, Im just a little distracted today ”, Dr Choi sat back comfortably he knew the reason for the sudden visit but he wanted her to take the time to express all her thoughts to him at her own pace. He was well aware of the public persona that tended to slip out when things became a bit too sensitive for Sun-Hee to handle, it was like if she had just a tiny bit of control over the vulnerable atmosphere it allowed her to feel comfortable enough to share her burden with him and he understood that. ”Did you have the dream again? ”, he asked the question calmly, observing her. He had known the young woman sat across him since she was a scared 9 years old, who just wanted to be helped. Frankly the doctor had a huge amount of respect for her, she was wise beyond her years, too mature for her own good and reasonable to an intolerable degree. She recognized that she had a problem and went out of her way to improve her situation.
”No, it was different, I was perched on the edge of a cliff for some reason. So close to falling, but there were hands holding me in place and securing me, yet it felt impossible to step away from the edge. Every time I tried to move, the hands that would hold me gently to secure me would twist and pull on my skin like claws digging so deep that I can still feel the pain right at this moment. When Im finally able to turn around to face the hands, I see that there is only one person holding me. That person is me, digging their fingers into my arms aggressively. They tell me to jump, I remember trying to block out all the negative things by covering my ears, but it just got worse. It felt like my lungs were filling with water, like I was drowning over and over again. I was barely able to take a step forward before I was thrown off the edge by my own reflection, Ill never be able to forget the helplessness I felt. The fall seemed to take forever, only becoming more and more terrifying with each passing second. ”
”You mean you didn wake up after you hit the ground? ”, ”No, I didn wake up immediately. I just lay there for what felt like hours staring at the edge of that cliff, Ive never felt so alone. Part of me preferred the recurring nightmare because I can control that, but this, this was just me, it was my subconscious. I don like this; I can go back to being afraid to close my eyes because of my dreams. I feel so exhausted all the time, how am I supposed to heal when my mind is my biggest enemy? ”. Dr Choi stared at her helplessly, nothing that he could ever suggest could counter the state her subconscious was in. He could provide the tools, preach about proper self-love and self-care, but in the end, this was a battle that only she could overcome. He felt such pity for her as she sat on couch beside him downcast, the tiredness displaying on her like a second skin. She was way too young to be burdened by such heavy troubles. ”Are you still documenting the dreams? ”, ”Like someones paying me to do so, why? ”
”Dreams are tricky, they can have one clear message, sprout complete chaos and stupidity or they can provide enlightenment in difficult situations. This new dream seems to be a manifestation of your biggest fears coming together to harass you in the most gruesome way possible. You are constantly repressing your thoughts and feelings for the sake of everyone around you all the time because you have the idea that saying these things to the people that love you will taint their image of you so drastically that they will start to hate you and that even the things that they find endearing about you will became what they hate the most about you. You need to experience your emotions when you have them, I know its difficult to say these things out loud without the fear that you will be judged and cast aside but you are as flawed as any other person around and you deserve to speak about the things that hurt you with the people that love you. They are meant to love you despite your flaws and if they don then it just proves that they are not worthy of you. Other than me, who do you talk to about this? ”
The silence in the room made Sun-Hee squirm uncomfortably, the answer was clear. She had been doing the same thing all these years, trying to stay strong, making sure that she hardened her heart to anything and everything remotely negative. ”Nothing I say will help you if you continue to think that you are in this alone. The people who love you will never abandon you at your weakest, instead they will be the ones holding you up until you are able to find your strength once again. ”, ”It sounds so easy to do but why would I want anyone else to share this pain with me, why would I want them to worry for me. How could I do that to someone I love? ”. Dr Choi stared at her quizzically, understanding her logic and reasoning but could only feel sadness at the question. ” People are stronger than you give them credit for, and love in whatever form it may come throughout your relationships can withstand even the deepest darkest tragedies if dealt with in a proper healthy manner. You don have to suffer alone and you don have to feel like you are burdening your loved ones by speaking your truth, the happy medium will always be support from both sides. ”
The only person that popped into her head at that moment was Mina, who had been her strength for half her life. She hated the fact that this made so much sense, how would she ever get past this if she kept repressing everything. Perhaps it was time to think of a way to talk to someone other than Dr Choi about her problems.
”Tell me if my voice isn real
If I shouldn have thrown myself away
Tell me if even this pain isn real
What was I supposed to do back then ”
– Singularity – >BTS
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