Silent Confession

Ch.7 – What can be done, childish and protective of his weakness

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PUBLISHED ON 1 May 2022

        Fortunately, everybody was in class, only the three of them were left in the corridor usually busy with people coming and going, Xin Yi’s eyes were bloodshot, shouted with anger, “Fang YiHe!”

        Xin Yi’s character was habitually soft, usually speaking with people with a smile, this time he was furiously looking at the other party, Zhou MuHui’s expression was heavy, but used force to hold him, not letting him move. 

        “How would you dare to be like this if you knew it?”

        Fang YiHe also got angry and was shouting along with Xin Yi.

        Just then, he felt that Zhou MuHui looked familiar, and only remembered who he was when he got closer.

        Last semester, their professor casually told them about this case, Fang YiHe would have never thought that he would meet the real person one day, and unexpectedly was related to Xin Yi. 

        He couldn’t calm down at all, and there was no way that he could turn around and walk away.

        He considered Xin Yi as a little brother, even if he was faced with a ferocious attitude, he could not leave him alone.

        “Xin Yi, come back.”

        Zhou MuHui was pressing firmly on his shoulders, coaxing him with a low voice, “It’s time for class, let’s go to the classroom.”

        “Xin Yi!”

        Fang YiHe hurriedly called him, as if behind him was some kind of beast that eat humans, Xin Yi gritted his teeth, tightly gritted the hem of Zhou MuHui’s clothes, said with red eyes, “You are not allowed, not allowed to speak to him like this.”

        “What not allowed, he has killed someone after all! He is different from us!”

        “So what!”

        Xin Yi’s body kept shaking, from a close distance one could even hear his teeth chatter, Zhou MuHui’s breathing paused, used force to hold him, and called him, “Xiao Yi1.”

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        Nobody spoke for a long time.

        There was only the sound of the violent pants of the two people that were rising and falling in succession, Xin Yi’s eyes corners were wet, gripping the hem of Zhou MuHui’s clothes, he swallowed hard the lump in his throat. 

        “Fang YiHe, you went too far.”

        “Before that… you sympathized with him, felt sorry for him, you said that people who insulted him were simply blind, but when he really appeared in front of you, you still looked at him with different eyes, and discriminate against him.” 

        “Even if you know that it simply wasn’t his fault.”

        “…Xin Yi!”

        “The professor said…” Xin Yi exerted his utmost strength to hold his tears back, “each person’s kindness has a limit, if you are unable to give some kindness to someone like this, then you have to stay silent, and not be someone who wallows in the mire with others.” 

        Fang YiHe was stunned, he opened his mouth, but couldn’t say anything after a long while.

        “I didn’t mean that…”

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        After a long while, he said that while looking at Xin Yi.

        He wasn’t worried for himself, it was just because Xin Yi and the other party’s relationship was too intimate, even if he knew that he should be understanding, he was still afraid that Xin Yi would get hurt.

        Xin Yi’s tears fell down, used the back of his hand to wipe his cheeks hard, his other hand was still gripping Zhou MuHui, and did not answer him.

        “Let’s go home.” 

        Xin Yi turned around, looked up at Zhou MuHui, said with a hoarse voice, “I’ll request a day off for today, ok?”

        Zhou MuHui looked down at him, wiped his face, and let out a hum.

        Halfway, Zhou MuHui carried him on his back, because the hand Xin Yi used to hold him kept shaking, Xin Yi leaned against his back, nestled close to his ear, and apologized to him.

        “Sorry… I didn’t protect you.”

        Zhou MuHui shook his head, said in a low voice, “no.”

        “No need to be like this.”

        Xin Yi didn’t say anything, the hand that was holding him just tightened, Zhou MuHui could feel his hot breath, and he paused, and said, “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have followed.”

        Zhou MuHui thought, no matter if it was that time when he and Qi Fang went to the auditorium or followed Xin Yi to school, he shouldn’t have come, Xin Yi’s world was too pure, Zhou MuHui shouldn’t always want to get closer to him and bring him troubles. 

        He was a ticking bomb and should keep his distance from Xin Yi.

        Just like in the past.

        “It’s not…”

        Xin Yi’s chest tighten, buried in his neck, said sadly, “Don’t speak nonsense…”

        This had nothing to do with Zhou MuHui coming or not, he was just angry with the fact that he was too useless, and couldn’t protect Zhou MuHui. 

        “Zhou MuHui, would you feel that I am useless?” Xin Yi couldn’t help but ask.

        His voice carried some sadness, after saying that, he deeply buried his face in Zhou MuHui’s neck with his tears dripping.

        “I always love to cry, not stable like you, and not generous like Fang YiHe, I also cannot protect you properly so others cannot bully you, I am not really good…”

        And also sensitive, and very cowardly, often childish and silly like a little kid.

        Just like now, even when arguing he couldn’t resist but feel broken-hearted and cry, and couldn’t be Zhou MuHui’s protective umbrella at all.

        “It isn’t the case.” Zhou MuHui replied very quickly, “It’s good the way it is.”

        “Xin Yi, you are very good.”

        He added that in a very serious way.

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        This is the more sincere and warm Xin Yi, and also the brightest one, a Xin Yi who is just like the sun, with no need to feel remorse, nor to change.

        Xin Yi was dazed for a while, then wiped clean his tears on his (ZMH) body, then hurriedly let out an oh, and grinned.

        “Xiao Yi.”

        Xin Yi nodded, moved closer to his ear, and said in a sticky manner, “What’s wrong?”

        Zhou MuHui hardly ever calls him like that, but Xin Yi liked it very much.

        “Other people’s opinions are not important, we are, ok?”

        So there is no need to feel that you are not good, and I won’t let others’ opinions influence me.

        Because we are not living for them.

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        Xin Yi was stunned, then blankly nodded, his fingers uneasily climbed on Zhou MuHui’s shoulders, stammered, “but, but I don’t I am unwilling…”

        His voice became a bit hoarse at the end, Zhou MuHui was also stunned, because he could feel the scalding tears on the back of his neck, big drops and big drops of them fell down as if they were to fill up his heart.

        “I don’t want them to criticize you…”

        “… I know.”

        Zhou MuHui then regretted what he said, causing Xin Yi to cry again.

        Xin Yi silently shredded tears, “Fang YiHe previously said that you were good, but changed today, how can he be as mean as Qi Fang.”

        They left the school’s gate, Zhou MuHui did not put it on the shotgun but on the backseat, and lightly carried him in.

        “Not mean.”

        Zhou MuHui closed the car’s door, squeezed with him in the camped car, his heart sour, “Everybody can feel afraid, he is also about the same age as you are, Xiao Yi, if you had a friend like me, I would also be worried.”

        “…You will be worried about me?”

        Xin Yi lifted his head, and did not focus on the main point.

        “Will.”

        Zhou MuHui earnestly nodded, held his face, and wiped his tears, “There is no one who wouldn’t worry.”

        “He is just well-intentioned.”

        Xin Yi blinked, pulled on his sleeve, and couldn’t resist but rub against him, then said in a small voice, “but you are not the same.”

        Zhou MuHui was silent, Xin Yi looked at him, and did not say anything else, after a while, he said in a whisper, “I will apologize to him.”

        Xin Yi’s voice was very low, said in a depressed manner, “My temper was too bad today, I shouldn’t have spoken to him in that way.”

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        Fang YiHe was his best friend, Xin Yi knew that he was just anxious that’s why he said that, they were really mean, and said a lot of things they are not supposed to say.

        “But I will carefully explain it to him, and tell him not to talk like that to you.”

        Talking about that, he was a bit indignant, and mumbled, “He clearly knows about your matter.”

        Zhou MuHui paused, caressed his head, sighed, “It doesn’t matter.”

        Zhou MuHui asked for a day off for both of them, and stayed at home with him for the whole day, Xin Yi woke up in the evening and was a bit dazed, hugging the cat in his arms, he sat on the bed for a while then remembered what he had forgotten.

        The bedroom was empty, Zhou MuHui should be working in the study, Xin Yi scratched his head, took out his handphone with some apprehension, and called Fang YiHe.

        The call was picked up very quickly, but nobody spoke for a moment, Xi Yi hugged the cat and called out, after he heard the other party breathing calmly, then did he speak out, “Fang YiHe?”

        “En.”

        Fang YiHe answered with a muffled voice, he did not wait for him to speak, then opened his mouth, “Sorry, Xin Yi, I shouldn’t have spoken like this morning.”

        “You are right, I shouldn’t carelessly speculate about him, I obviously don’t know him, I shouldn’t be this subjective, it’s my fault.”

        Xin Yi was stunned, only nodded after a long moment, and said, “It’s fine.”

        “I am calling to apologize too… Fang YiHe, sorry, I went overboard today, I hope you can forgive me.”

        The other party was silent for a moment, then a dull voice could be heard, “Oh, it’s also fine.”

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        The two of them were stiff for a while, the cat in Xin Yi’s arms mewed, and helped them to break the ice.

        “I’ve never seen you like this, I was scared to death.” Fang YiHe let out a breath in relief.

        His little brother from the old days showed off his courage, the soft and waxy little cat has changed into a mighty big lion.

        “…It’s my temper that was too big.” Xin Yi touched his nose, awkwardly admitted it, and said, “but in the future, you can’t talk like this about him, or else I would be very angry.”

        “I don’t want him to hear these things, if you have any queries, you can ask me personally.” 

        Fang YiHe let out a hum, and sighed, “Xin Yi, you really scared me to death.”

        Not only his partner was a man, and to one’s surprise, had such an identity.

        Xin Yi let out a laugh in embarrassment, said, “He is actually very good, not scary at all.”

        “Furthermore…” Xin Yi paused for a while, and said in a small voice, “It wasn’t his fault, he shouldn’t have gone to jail.”

        Fang YiHe could hear his meaning, and also paused for a while.

        “The boundary between legitimate defense and overkill has always been vague, not to mention the situation back then, Xin Yi, we’ve all seen the court hearing. 

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        He said in a low voice, “A lot of matters don’t feel reasonable once when we encounter them, Xin Yi, but they indeed happened.”

        “…”

        “I know…”

        Xin Yi lowered his head, his voice hoarse.

        It is because he knew it, that’s why he felt powerless.

        “There’s a lot of time, I just want…want to go back to the past.”

        To when Zhou MuHui was still a teenager, to find him, to drive away the bad people around him, become robust, then more robust, and stay by his side to protect him well, and not let him get hurt again.

        So these things in the future wouldn’t have happened. 

        “But you are already very good.” Fang YiHe softened his voice, and comforted him, “Xin Yi, you did better than any of us.”

        Before hanging up, Fang YiHe said to him, “Xin Yi, you are really great.”

        “I actually never seen him, it’s only because I was curious that I pulled you with me to watch the video of the court hearing, I know…that later, maybe other people will also recognize him, maybe they will be stupid just like me, and say things that will hurt you, but you…”

        “But you don’t have to care…” Fang YiHe paused, and said softly, “Xin Yi, you guys are very brave, don’t mind others, is that alright.” 

        Xin Yi’s eyes were a bit itchy as if a lash fell in his eye, he rubbed it, but the lash didn’t get out, his eye felt more and more uncomfortable until a drop of tear fell out.

        “Alright.”

        “Xin Yi looked at the drop of water that fell on his handphone, and nodded very seriously.”

        “I will be able to do that.”

        His tone must be a little odd, because even the cat in his arms lifted his head and gave him a strange look.

        “Thank you, Fang YiHe.”

        He said with a breathy voice.

        There seemed to be a slight movement at the door, the cat’s ears twitched but didn’t turn his head, so Xin Yi was still hugging him.

        “I’m hanging up!” Xin Yi buried his head in his body (cat), and said with a stuffy voice, “I slept for a long time, I have to get out of bed.”

        Fang YiHe just hummed, and nodded, “Then see you tomorrow!”

        Xin Yi carelessly said ok, even after a du-du-du sound came from the phone, he still maintained the same posture and did not lift his head. 

Notes:

小意 stands for Little Yi*, ‘little’ is used as a prefix in front of a name to indicate affection or informality. Referring to chapter 1, ZMH came to his school along with Qi Fang for an event. I am not sure what ZMH meant to say here, what he said can also mean “we are it” and maybe the “it” means that people can just label them as whatever they want (?)