While You’re In Love

I moved my feet, swallowing a sigh that was about to leak out.

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Wherever my eyes touched, the splendidly blooming flowers could be seen.

I came here thinking that seeing the beautiful scenery would make me feel better, but I regretted it.

[Do you like it, madam?]

I thought of Aslan again.

Aslan, who planted my favorite flowers and decorated the garden for me, who wasn’t able to adapt to this place.

[Do you like flowers?]

One day while preparing for our wedding, he asked.

[Yes.
I like them.]

Embarrassed by his sudden question, I answered vaguely.
I was wondering why he asked me this all of a sudden.

The question that followed was even more embarrassing.

[What kind of flowers do you like?]

Were we in a relationship to have this little chat?

‘I don’t think so.’

Although the process was a little different, it seemed that we will soon become a couple anyway.

I guessed that he must have chosen such a trifling topic on purpose to ease our awkwardness.

So I wanted to reply with all my heart.

[I…]

I knew exactly what Helena liked and disliked.

However, I couldn’t remember what the ‘real me’ liked.

‘Shall I just tell Helena’s favorite flower to him?’

Why am I struggling to tell him what I really like, instead of telling Helena’s favorite flower?

Of course I knew why.

Because Aslan is the only one who helped me.
So I wanted to show him my true feelings.

Even if the whole world knows me as Helena, and I cannot live as myself until I die.

In Aslan’s memory, I wanted to remain as ‘me’.

I wanted to do it even though I knew it was greed.

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So, after thinking for a while, I answered.

[…… All, all flowers look good to me.]

It was such a pathetic answer that it was a waste of time to procrastinate.

I glanced at Aslan, who waited patiently.
I could see him thinking about something with a serious face, erasing his usual smile.

Is he offended?

I was worried that I might have offended him because he thought I had given him an insincere answer.

Contrary to my trembling heart, the silence lasted longer.
Then he finally opened his mouth.

[I see.]

That was the end.

Since we didnt talk about flowers after that, I thought he must have been disappointed with me.

Even I was disappointed in myself, but I can’t say that.

I don’t even have the skills to talk.
How can I be so lacking?

As I reproached myself, I thought I’d quickly forget the brief conversation I had with him as we strolled through the garden.

I thought I was the only one who wanted to know and remember all the little things about him, and I would remember these trivial chatter for a long time to come.

But then.

[This is a gift.]

[A gift?..
… .]

[This garden.]

[Yes?]

[It’s all yours.
I tried decorating it first, but if you don’t like it, you can change it as you like.]

Aslan, who called me to say something, suddenly gave me an unexpected gift.

I didn’t do anything to deserve a gift from him.

And it wasn’t even a special day.

[Suddenly,a gift? …]

[It’s a wedding gift]

It was more embarrassing.

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What do you mean a wedding gift? Isn’t that something that only happens between couples who really love each other?

There was no love in our marriage.

If I had to pick up the feelings that came and went between us, it would have been desperation and sympathy.

But why is he.

[It will be difficult to live in an unfamiliar place, so you can come here when you have something to put your mind to.]

[…..….]

[What do you think? Do you like it?]

I couldn’t say anything.
My lips were dry and my chest tightened.

His kindness pierced my heart painfully.

The emotions I had been trying to deny swept over me because I knew the end would only bring me despair.
There was no stopping it any more.

The moment I realized how I felt about him is still vivid.

Thinking of that moment makes me want to cry.

Because I knew that it would be painful and difficult to cherish the feelings that I can’t get back.

“You look like a fool.”

I can’t believe you’re out for a change and you’re feeling even more depressed.

I looked at the flower bed I had picked and cultivated myself.

Staring blankly at the spacious garden reminded me of memories accumulated here.

[Now that this is also your home, you can decorate and change it however you like.]

It was all memories with Aslan.

Although he was busy with work, he often found time to be with me.

We used to go out to eat, watch a show, or go shopping.

But most of the time was spent inside the mansion.

It must have been because he knew that I was reluctant to go to crowded places.

Perhaps because he was considerate of me, he didn’t meet people whenever he was with me.

We walked through the garden alone, drank tea, and chatted.

[Isn’t that an insect bite? It’s dangerous… … !]

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Aslan said that his wrist was itching, so I grabbed his hand and looked at the red spots with a frown.

[I didn’t know the flowers were this beautiful.
Thanks to you, I got to learn something new.]

Aslan, who was muttering in an interesting voice and alternating between flowers and me.

[Aren’t you tired? Please lean on me.]

Tuk-tuk, Aslan patted my shoulder and laughed playfully.

As I recall, a smile came to my lips.

It was a quiet and peaceful time.
There wasn’t much fuss and glamor, but that alone was enough to make me happy.

… … Was he of the same mind?

I liked the silence that fell in the space with him, but maybe he thought it was boring.

I wasn’t very talkative in the first place, and I had secrets that I had to hide.

It had become a habit to be careful all the time, so I couldn’t talk for a long time even when I was talking with him alone.

Even when Aslan came to speak, I couldn’t answer for a long time, and I responded briefly while he was blunt, so he might have thought it was not worth paying attention.

‘Well.
I don’t know.
What did he think?’

Aslan was not an easy-going person.

He is kind, sweet and gentle.

At times, it felt as if his character had drawn a line ,so I can’t come any closer.

Aslan’s face, which always had a gentle smile, didn’t show his inside feelings.
It was hard to guess what he was thinking right now, even if I was observing closely.

The person who treats me kindly may actually hate me.

Maybe it’s because I’m annoying and he don’t like it, but also can’t take care of it.

That fear was always there in my heart.

‘What will he think of me?’

Maybe he regrets showing some sympathy.

Or would he still think that having a woman like me as his wife makes it less troublesome?

It’s better to be the latter if possible… … .

‘……again.
I’m thinking about Aslan again.’

I let out a deep sigh.

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Whatever I thought, the end was always Aslan.

I didn’t want to do this, but I was very scared of emotions.
Especially the feeling of love.

Love made me a complete stranger.
It completely changed me to the point where I vaguely remember what I was like before.

A woman who is crazy about a man and thinks about him all day long, and feels up and down dozens of times thinking about him.

“Let’s go in now.
If I stay here, I’ll keep doing this.”

Mumbling like that, I walked slowly.

The Tordell mansion, which I had become accustomed to for three years, was getting closer and closer.

‘……I shouldn’t get used to it.’

I was always prepared to leave.

I constantly recalled that my role was just an extra who stayed here for a while.

So I didn’t have any affection for this place.
In people, in things, in places.

……so that I can always leave without putting a load on my mind.

Of course it wasn’t easy.

This was my refuge.

It was like, a place where I could escape from the Larestine mansion that forced me to live as Helena Larestine.

(TN : Here she is talking about how she has been put in the role of Helena and not being able to live as her past life self.)

The calmness that I had tasted for the first time in ten years broke me down.

If I were here, I thought I would be able to live a normal life just like everyone else.

Above all, Aslan.

My nominal husband felt like he was really mine.

Being called Duchess Tordell, I’m known everywhere as his wife.

It was different from reality, even if it is just an illusion for people.
It was nice to be tied to him.

I knew I shouldn’t, but I became greedy.

At that time, I thought, maybe I was having a vain delusion.

So, it may be my delusion that this world is all in the novel I read in my previous life.

Such a vivid reality cannot be just a world in a book.